January 5th, 2017
I want to make one thing clear right now: what I say in this post is in no way attacking either side. Both America and Vietnam were put in a completely unfair situation. I am not blaming anyone, I am not mad at anyone. I am simply sharing my feelings.
I took my parents to the War remnants museum. And let me tell you, it is not easy to be there no matter where you are from or what your involvement in the war. There is no disputing this: the Vietnamese people and country was destroyed. More chemical weapons were dropped on this tiny country than in all of WWII combined. Agent orange effects up to fourth generation families. So babies are still being born affected by this chemical.
When taking my family to this museum, I told them it was not going to be easy, but it was going to be worth it. The top two floors are covered with all of the terrible things the United States did to Vietnam. We saw how the Vietnamese were hurt by the war crimes, the agent orange, My Lai, Con Dao, Bob Kerrey. It’s hard to think that America did something like that. This museum brought to light the horrors of the war that we were disconnected from. This doesn’t take away from the horrors that were done onto us as well, but makes it no easier.
I watched my dad cry in that museum. I saw the guilt he felt and the sadness for the Vietnamese people for a war we probably shouldn't have been in. I watched him cry for the American soldiers that were changed for the worse because of this war, because they were so brave, so proud but so corrupted.
I watched him for a brief moment feel what I had felt for the four months I lived here: shock and guilt. He later that day, posted on facebook:
We visited the War Remnants Museum in Saigon today. It was a particularly gut-wrenching and emotionally-draining experience for me. What we did here and what the North and South Vietnamese did to each other is appalling. The Agent Orange exposition shook me to the core. I can't help but thinking that the hubris of powerful men, men who wanted to make their marks in history and who couldn't admit their mistakes got us into, escalated, and prolonged the war. Such a waste of treasure on all sides concerned. The effects of the war are still being felt today in the descendants of the combatants and innocent civilians involved. So, so sad. Tough day for me.
Not that they didn’t feel it then, but I saw the same result from my mom in sister later that day. We were walking through a market and there was a man whose face was completely burned sitting and begging for money. Now most Vietnamese people don’t beg for money, they sell things, they shine shoes, they paint your nails. They are hard workers. So for someone to be sitting and begging is profound, he must have been really struggling.
Now for me, I pass by these people more than I wanted to. I have become numb to it. If I gave them money every time I walked by them, I would have no money left. However, this was one of the first times my family had, and my mom saw this man, and could not help but give him money with sadness, guilt, and horror painted across her face. To this day, she can’t stop talking and thinking about this man.
Being in Vietnam as an American is especially difficult. Especially in Saigon. You walk down the streets and you see men, women, children, and even babies, that are clearly affected by agent orange, and badly it inhibits them from a life of ease.
The hardest part of being in Vietnam was the sense of guilt that followed me from Saigon through Hoi An, to Hue, to Hanoi, Sa Pa, and every corner of the country. It’s as if I was the one who did this to the people. I walk the streets and meet these people who are so kind to me, and at times wish they were mean to me, wish they gave me what I deserve for being part of the country that tried to rule them. It's hard to put into words how I feel when I am greeted with love by Vietnamese people.
I am not blaming our soldiers, I am not blaming communism, I am not blaming Vietnam. Our soldiers were brave, they were proud, they were great men that I can’t thank enough for protecting what we thought was a threat to the world. This wasn’t a war of Democracy and capitalism versus Communism. This was America fighting to protect Vietnam from Communism, and Vietnam fighting to protect their own independence. America was doing what it thought was right. Vietnam was just trying to be independent, something it had never been since it first existed. It was rule by China, then the french, and then America. They wanted to be left alone. They didn’t hate America, and we didn’t hate them. They hated outside invaders, and we hated who was trying to control them. A war of misunderstanding.
With that being said, my heart will never not ache for Vietnam. We hurt their cities, we hurt their people, we hurt their babies that weren’t even born yet. I will never not feel in debt to Vietnam. With that being said, they do not feel that way. Vietnam understands us, they understand the war, and they see past the evils that brought out all sides of the War. I wish Americans could learn from Vietnam, to recognize what happened, drop the grudge, learn, and move on.
I understand my words could be provocative and misguided, and I have done my best in my life to understand all sides of it. If anyone has any other insight, please help me, because my heart hurts for both sides, and will do anything, read anything, and watch anything that can give me more knowledge.
So as many times as we were advised to ignore the people begging for money on the streets, I cannot ignore them. I can’t ignore the little kids that are out at 2 am selling packs of gum. I understand that it happens in so many other developing countries around the world, but in Vietnam, a part of me feels obligated to. As if 50 cents will make up for their struggles, but it's a start. I give them money because I can. Because I am lucky enough to have a little bit of money to spare, and they deserve it more than I do.
When you think about it, Vietnam is really only 30 years old. And look at its progress. It has one of the most rapidly growing economies in the world. It is projected to be a world power in nearly ten years. That’s huge. That should speak to the power of the people, the strength the country has, and its ability to grow from nothing. I am nothing but impressed and in reverence to the country, and am more than excited to see where it goes from here.
Vietnam has left a hole in my heart the size of Donald Trump’s alleged nuclear button that sits on his desk. But there is something I learned that I have written hundreds of times to you: Vietnam is strong, it is brave, it is resilient. It is not mad, does not hold a grudge, and all it wants is peace. It wants happiness, relationships with other countries, and independence.
So as I write one of my final blog posts, I beg you to do one thing, much like I asked before. Please, as hard as it is, learn about the horrible parts of history. Talk about them. Read about them, watch them, visit them. You won’t enjoy it. You will cry, you will feel guilt, you will feel anger. But it is so important as a global community that we learn about the horrors of history. How are we going to fix the world if we can’t learn about them, if we can’t talk about them. Hate Donald Trump, hate Hillary, but talk about them and why people do like them. Challenge yourself. Understand others, or at least try to. Learn about genocide, war, and pain. Learn why and how it happens. Be hurt, be sad, be mad. How are we going to change the world if we don’t understand the horrors of our past? How do we not repeat things if we don't know about them? How do we get past our ugly history if we don’t talk about it? Talk about things you hate, talk about things that make you sad, talk about all of the bad things in life. You will gain perspective, strength, knowledge. Be humbled. Be grateful. Change yourself. Let others change you too.
I owe so much to Vietnam. I am forever grateful and indebted to this country that taught me so much and showed me the power of forgiveness and love.